Waiting for you out there are your beloved parents. You’ll notice the look in their face when they saw you coming. It’s the kind of look that you’ve not seen for a very very long time.

Well, that was it for me. The most memorable, most appreciated, most wanting moment I ever had since the past three years. That’s just it.

I hugged Abah hard; kissed both his cheeks and hearing him saying to my ears, “Congratulations.”

And then I quickly pull Mak into the most touching hug I ever had in years. I kissed her on the cheeks and once I let her go, Mak quickly wiped those little tears of hers. Well, I know Mak well. She still is not the kind of person who wanted to be seen crying. Especially by her most problematic daughter. Erm… that’s me.

“Tak ada bunga untuk awak. If you want it, go and buy yourself,” said Mak.

“Nah, it’s okay. I don’t mind. Lagipun buat apa beli bunga sendiri? It was supposed to be a surprise-thing, okay?. Now that I don’t have it, then I don’t want it,” that was what came out from my mouth but instead I wanted to say this:
Nah, having you both here are way more priceless than a bouquet of flower.

I didn’t know why I never able to say so. I guess my ego was still taking control of me.

My convocation celebration was very very humble. I didn’t take much photos with friends nor that I took a lot with my parents or my other family members. My siblings weren’t around and that’s okay for me. I always wanted a quiet little convocation celebration.

We didn’t even had any proper after session like a lunch or dinner. We just went to IKEA as Mak really wanted to get some stuff for the new house.

Kakak and Ayui came to see me graduating, to my surprise. I love them. Thank you sayangs. The kurung kuning look fabulously good on me, thanks to Icaq. My combination of selendang mustard dan hitam worked out really well and I knew that the tocang stood out. The heels was something from MPG. I didn’t think getting a new pair of shoes was necessary. My makeup was like usual, plus the extra effort on the eyes.

Oh yeah, I guess if you ask me what other things that’s memorable to me (during the convo), then my answer would be:

The speech by the Pro-Canceler. If you read between the lines, then you’ll know there’s more to the classic Malay-speaking.

I’m sinking the fact. Deep.

Mak was a proud mother...

At this very moment, I feel I am as smart as him...

Perhaps a kissable lip, not?

Only God knows. Only He knows best.

The past two weeks has been one of the most torturous ─ the most complicated, heart breaking, surprising, sinful, yet adventurous two weeks I have ever encountered in my entire life.

No, it has nothing to do with bungee jumping, kayaking across the continent or backpacking around Europe (to quote my favorite Yuna’s song of the same title). All it has to do with… is here *my heart*.

And because of that, I’ve not just hurt myself but I’ve sacrificed a lot more than I ever wished for. I’ve sacrificed my senses.

It’s fucking difficult to deal with; a life without senses, that is. When your senses are gone missing, you can’t simply make the righteous decision.

You make decisions by heart but without ethics. You make decisions by heart but without regulations. You make decisions by heart but without consideration.

Simply this: You make decisions without thinking, you made emotional decisions.

And how worse can that be? You have no idea of it, really.

At this point in time, I wish I’m staying with Mak, listening to her nagging at me every single second.

At this very moment, I wish I have the nail polish remover. I really need it right now so that I can remove my ever ugly nail color.

And then I really wish I can get my wuduk. I have not solat for so long.

MasyaAllah.

Of all things in the world right now and despite every shity things that occurred, I love the fact that this creative side of me is still very productive. Very very much productive. Though I despised the way I sounded during our show at UPSI (which need massive practice and improvement), I still am very much thankful for being given this singing talent. Thank Allah bless! And for the love of songwriting that I immersed in right now. I feel not just creative but yet more productive than ever.

Bought a new fiction after so long. It’s “Pretty Dead Things” by Barbara Nadel, I hope it won’t take me away from the real books (and notes) deals that I need to focus on right now. Argh!! Examination… they suck big time!

Ah… I still find this love for him as complete intentional. Well, I love the fact though. And I have a new song coming and it’s about to finish. It’s called “Retro Romantic”. Can’t wait to spill it to the rest of the band.

As for now, I’m extremely tired. After three days-straight of work and non-stop Starbucks and milk and Bangsar and Telawi… all those images of coffee and luxury that needs to be stopped immediately. I am finally back in Shah Alam. Back to reality.

I need sleep. More than ever this time. But I know I can’t. I just can’t. Got lots of things to do. Two final papers coming around this week and I’m pretty much unprepared.

Nazirah is back people. I am back.

I remember it very well back in those days when I was really young, my ultimate Hollywood crush was once Joshua Jackson from the then famous Dawson’s Creek series.

... this guy still takes my breath away

Nope, he wasn’t that much of an attraction but the word ‘handsome’ is somewhat very minor to me. Though I still am very much affected by the look-factor, it is more or less who you are that matters.

Later when I started going to high school, my favorite guy shifted from Jackson to Elijah Wood. Nope, my recognition for him didn’t start when the Lord of the Rings saga began but instead I got addicted by his unique-big-round eyes that caught my attention from a teenage thriller movie that I’ve watched back then. I forgot the title. Sorry.

During high school, I’ve adored and showed my affection for a few Hollywood names other than just Jackson and Wood.

Expectedly, my affection goes towards Adam Brody of The O.C. fame. It’s purely expected; as Brody himself as well as his alter ego, Seth Cohen are definitely the type of guy that I always wanted to drool over them.

He

And ah, Milo Ventimiglia too. His role in Gilmore Girls made me wanted to only date cool rebel type of guy who reads… which I found in Syahrul Mohsin.

Not to forget, I was once addicted to Rizky Hanggono or better known as Lando; the character that he played in this Indonesian movie that he starred alongside Dian Sastrawardoyo.

Simple but yet very charming

(Yes, he might not be in Hollywood but it is a resemblance of the silver/TV screen that we refers to right here)

My type of guy are pretty much expected. By reading through, you can sense my favorite guy type; rockstar-like, least controversial and barely those of the cover-guy type.

As I grow up, the idea of The Hollywood Affection is still very much relevant. I guess it won’t ever faded away as long as I live and there exists beautiful and interesting God’s creation in Hollywood.

And at this very moment, I can’t seemed to resist the fact that I might be in love with Jude Law. Ah, I love his ever classic face and that sexy British accent. My oh my, how I am totally affected.

Oh my, he is so freaking hot!!

And since I know the existence of Mr Law, I’ve been watching religiously every movie of him that I could get my hands on them. The Holiday, Closer, Breaking and Entering, Road to Perdition, Alfie and just now, I’ve finished watching My Blueberry Nights (directed by Wong Kar Wai) where he played alongside Norah Jones on her silver screen debut.

I’m totally ever madly in love with Jude Law. Period. I wish I can have him kiss me the way he did with all his fellow on-screen partners… the best one would be when he played alongside Julia Roberts on Closer (ah, that scene with her…).

Mind my early morning ramblings. I’m deeply sorry.

As for now, I think I’ve found my own Jude Law, but I am yet to have him… make him mine.

(Picture credits to Adam-Brody.com, Jude Law.in, Joshua Jackson Network, and KapanLagi.com)

Well, the holiday is reaching it’s end this Sunday. I’m hating every single thing that revolves my assignments workloads except for the fact that I’m finally back in Shah Alam which I misses so much (or more to the freedom of being unauthorized?) and the fact that the Sound of Acoustic is performing a straight two shows on the weekend. Yeah!

Beside the importance of study and the thought of finals coming my way very very soon, the Sound of Acoustic is my other passion. Ah, I just love performing and I feel totally in heaven whenever I’m performing. And that with SOA I found the love to sing my heart out with art.

On the 11th of October, we’ll be performing to the homecoming crowd of my fellow juniors at their Malam Pra-Graduan at the ever grand KLCC Convention Center. Expect to see me wearing my baju kurung and the band in traditional outfits. And oh yeah, a Raya song is expected to be performed. Aben said that it would be a ska-version of a classic Raya song. Oh, I can’t wait!

On the 12th, we’ll be performing for the first time outside Klang Valley and this time it is at UPSI in Tanjung Malim! I haven’t been to UPSI and I don’t know how the crowd is like but I am just thrilled and excited to be playing there. I believe in the opportunity to attract new followers especially those outside KL. And I am really curious of the thought of performing at UPSI; ah… I will be performing in front of future teachers and I don’t know what to expect! But I believe that with our kind of music, we’ll not just attracting the normal indie crowd but I’m looking at the possibilities of attracting non scene followers.

And with the engagement to SOA on the 12th, I will definitely miss Yuna’s EP launching. Bummer. I know that a lot of people will be attending and that is going to be one hell of a show, showcasing Yuna’s greatness at the ever cool KLPAC but I just can’t because I have a commitment with SOA. I know that I will get my hands on her EP soon and that I don’t think that I won’t have any other opportunities to catch her live soon but it’s just I can’t on that particular day. Anyway, good luck Yuna! She’ll be amazing, I know that.

Lastly, I’m just as thrilled to inform my new engagement to the novel that I’m working on with Aisyah. I mean, it has been a long delay but we’re starting of again and I just love the whole new story. The inspiration is really amazing… if only I am allowed to tell. I’m done with the prologue, the first chapter to the third one and I’m handing over to Aisyah to continue on a few chapters. It will definitely take a long time to finish a novel but I don’t care. As long as we’re working on the right track, regardless of how many years it will take us, we’re still going to finish it anyway.

I’m done till now and I’m up with a mystery and a whole new opportunity to flirt with a guy. A new guy, this time it is. But a completely different type of guy… the one that is so not my type. Ahahahaha!

That is another different story.

Take care.

Regardless of anything, I adore you!

This is the kind of man that we should have in the Cabinet.

As I used to mention in a lot of my previous political posts (which most of them were in my previous blogs), I am not exactly an oppositionist. I just have a bit of a leftist-belief when it comes to my political orientation. I have always like and adore Zaid Ibrahim and other outspoken BN leaders like Shahrir Samad and (of course) Mukhriz Mahathir.

An outspoken man, he is, he said it best when he criticized the detention under the ISA of Raja Petra Kamaruddin, Teresa Kok and Sin Chew Daily’s reporter, Tan Hoon Cheng on Friday.

What matters here is the fact that he points out his view on what he believe is best, unlike some MPs or government/BN people who doesn’t at all look as if they’re keen with their bosses decision but yet they still make those “I agree/We’re behind you” statements to safe their asses. Pathetic people.

Ah, Zaid Ibrahim still rocks! No worries ya, do what you think is right!

(Picture credit to New Straits Times Online)

Mo (bass), Aben (guitar), Nazz (vocal) & Abg Is (guitar)

I guess a musical journey should always be shared because regardless of anything, you can’t simply do it alone.

It was amazing to finally be able to perform religiously again. In less than a month time, I never thought the one thing that I wanted to avoid doing since high school is actually the one thing that I miss the most.

SINGING. This seven letters word that used to be my ultimate passion back then when I was in high school. I still remember those days when everyone from school refer to me as the penyanyi sekolah. From the acoustic performance at a Majlis Anugerah Cemerlang to being the tukang karut of the dikir barat team; I can’t remember seeing myself not singing.

But it all seemed to change when I got into UiTM back then in 2005 to do my Diploma. I don’t know why but I was not that keen to sing on stage again. I don’t mind singing for my friends and family members; for small occassions but I always refused the invitation to sing in public events.

And never that I realized I miss being on stage and sing emotionally and with all my heart again. Looking at aspiring singers at events that I attended, gigs and even reality TV shows; I just couldn’t get my mind straight… I was filled with envy and keep saying to myself: “I am way much better than these people”. 

I never meant to be arrogant nor that I wish to say that I am any good. All I wanted to do was to be on stage again. I just wanted to sing.

Thanks to Aben who made me realized again that I’ve been missing singing for so long. Aben whom without him and his intention to let me sing the songs Kau and Rigid (which is taken from my own poem), I don’t think I would ever be able to do the one thing that I’m most passionate about. And Aben, whom without him I would never be able to sing with the Sound of Acoustics, firstly at my own Pre-Graduation Dinner and later at two other gigs Layar Tanchap and Rantai.

And thanks to Aben and Mo, whom without the two of them, I don’t think that I would ever be able to be part of The Sound of Acoustics. I am so proud to (officially) be part of it.

SOA will rock your life soon. Catch us live wherever and whenever we are. You’re going to love us. Trust me.

Add us on Myspace at http://www.myspace.com/soundofacoustics

But I still sayang and love you very much Wan Shahrilzan.

Always.

I question anonymousity right now.

And this is why it’s plain obvious that I’m stupid and completely blinded by love. But that’s what love is all about… it’s plain blind. You hurt me once, twice or for the thousand time, I am very much still in love with you. But no matter how much you hurt me, I won’t be that stupid to make you feel as if you’re all mine and you can do whatever you want to do with me, call me whenever you need me, touch me whenever and wherever you want… you just can’t. Because despite all, my love for you and my dignity is two completely different things.

Yes, I sayang you so damn much but I’m never that stupid.

Yes, you took my heart away but I know I’ll get it back.

I’ve been through ups and downs for the past weeks. These are some regular ups/downs that we young people have to go through in life. They could be typical but yet they could get a lot irritating at times and then you’ll realize the best option you could get is: “Let me die, now.”

Family and friends is indeed the ONLY thing that matters in life. Yes, we might have some personal goals that we wish to achieve but if you put these aside, you’ll see that you’re here because of these people; your parents, brothers and sisters, friends, your so-called-other half (read: boyfriend/girlfriend), etc.

I’ve learned and realized a very long time ago that I might have a problem with keeping up to a relationship. I wonder if you ever experienced or heard about this situation where you care and love so much for some people, you’ll get in a fight with they anyway.

No matter how much you are close to any particular people, getting into disagreements are not that hard at all. It’s not as if the titles best-friends/mother-daughter/boyfriend-girlfriend will only lead you to greater and easy phases in relationships all the time but instead they only make things a lot harder.

You could get into a mode of unexpected jealousy even to your best girl friend. You could care for them so much that once you disagree with them in a small topic of politics for example, you think they have changed and no longer the same person you knew them before. I realized it very well that, having to care too much for anyone, you take things about them too seriously – more than you ever thought you would.

And despite all, I’ve tried my very best and learned very well not to engage in disagreements or fights of any sort though I have failed to do so many many times before. I do admit I have these bad feelings and attitudes going in me all the time; distrust, jealousy, inferiority/superiority, lack of confidence, irresponsible, choosy, the feeling of not being cared for or forgotten, merajuk, terasa hati tak tentu pasal, etc. You name it; I’ve had them all like all the time.

And whenever I engaged into fights/disagreements with the people that I care so much, I’ve started to feel as if I’m in hell. I started to do things which are bad for me. I started to cry a lot. But worse, I never seemed to apologize or confront them on what I do really feel inside. I find that my ego seemed to take control of me and I’m getting weaker day by day.

You see what disagreements and fights with the ones that you love can bring you: hell.

As for now, I guess I should stand where I stood and be a responsible daughter/friend/sister. I guess I should set a limit to my involvement with these people that I care most in the world. Yes, they should still be there for me and I am always here for them but I have to know my limit to these different people.

That my mother should not know the exact details of my spending or that I’ve started to smoke again (and sometimes shamelessly in public). That I should not be so close to any of my friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend and I started to realize that I despise their partners. That I should not be too depending on anyone on anything. That I should give some space to my loved ones to be freely involve with anyone else other than myself. That I should not explain myself to those who don’t matter because I know it well that they don’t give a fuck about me at all and explaining is a waste of time and that explaining is only for those whom I value. That I should let my brother do what he thinks is best and not trying to condemn him too much even I know it very well that they will affect him somehow (and that I should let him learn by his mistakes and through his experience). That I should not get too involve in their life. That I should act as if I agree on most small matters and not trying to argue too much. That I should keep some of my opinion to myself. That I should avoid my ego to take over my wise thinking. That I should be the one to surrender, give up, be considerate and apologize. That of all a lot of other things that matters; and that of all sensitive matters that I should always consider and think before taking any actions or making any statements.

And I know it very well that despite how bad I seemed to appear, I never wanted to engage into fights or disagreements anymore. I’m sick of them so much that as I said earlier, I might even thought of dying. I guess I should start to get things right in place now or never because I never wanted to imagine an empty life ahead of me without these people.

Never.

I'm still getting used to anonymousity

Despite my ever limited access to a huge amount of money, I still find it hard to not having great day out with friends. Ahhh… I love my friends!

Never that I thought, the transition from Diploma to Degree would do a good change for me but yet I find it really hard to stop being myself and get all serious like some of my friends. I guess the real me is back and I’m so fucking happy about it.

I love kakak's purple flat. *Envy* <

Kak Long’s 25th birthday celebration was awesome. It’s an all-girl day out that required an empty stomach and a huge determination to finish up your food. Ahhh… I can’t explain how full I was when I got back home. I guess, we were all a bunch of very greedy people with big appetite and we never seemed to ever learned from it.Anyway, Happy Birthday Kak Long! I love you a lot!

You might know me, but hey whatever, I still want to remain anonymous. WTF!

Smoking saves me

 And then, there was the Bijou Bazaar and the warehouse sale at Bangsar Village 2. It has been a while since I last had a satisfying shopping session where I ended up with extremely good bargain items that will make my mother’s proud. (Will definitely update on that later).

And seeing him was great. Yeah, put aside his uncontrolled mind, I still know that despite everything, we are going to go far. Ahhh, those lovely dimples are beautiful!

I’m catching Seven Collar T-Shirt live tonight. Yes, the assigments are waiting and I don’t want to give a fuck about it for now because I know I’ll get it done no matter what.

But as for now, I love my life though I know my cash are flowing out faster than I ever thought. But yeah, whatever, I’ll deal with that later.

I just want the soda kampung and lying on the green grass. With him by my side, please.